


In your eyes

by NotPitifulChildrenAnymore



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eating Disorders, F/F, Fluff, I Ship It, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, they're so good together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27199630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotPitifulChildrenAnymore/pseuds/NotPitifulChildrenAnymore
Summary: It's just some Playride fluff I guess, enjoy!
Relationships: Christine Canigula/Brooke Lohst
Comments: 23
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

Christine sighed as she reloaded her email for the tenth time, waiting for the cast list to pop up. Mr. Reyes had made a point of assuring her that yes, it would be coming soon and yes, he had learned his lesson and wouldn’t try to mutate the play. Romeo and Juliete remained her favorite to this day, but she was grateful for the winter play being something hard to mess up. Unless he took Ophelia's death scene a little too literally and decided he had to have a pool deep enough to literally drown in. She made a mental note to test it out as soon as the props came in, or commit herself to learning how to hold her breath for an insane amount of time. It wouldn’t be the craziest thing she’d done for theater, and she wouldn't put it past Mr. Reyes to try something like that. Her phone went off suddenly, and she swiped it open with a smile.

Brookiecookie: Hey Chrissy!  
Brookiecookie: Any word on the cast list?  
Christiiiiine: Nope, but he swore it would be up by now  
Brookiecookie: you know you got this, right?  
Brookiecookie: I can’t imagine he’d give the role to anyone else  
Christiiiiine: thanks Brooke  
Christiiiiine: But I’m not *that* good, everyone else did great at auditions too  
Christiiiiine: I’m sure we’ll have a great Ophelia no matter who he picks  
Brookiecookie: your cute  
Brookiecookie: but we both know it’ll be you  
Brookiecookie: even if I have to march down to his office and tell him so

Christine had to stifle a laugh at this, it was rare to see Brooke get upset. But it wasn’t a crazy thing to see her getting indignant on her friends behalf, and Mr. Reyes would surely be in for a treat. She was a true force of nature when she was determined to have something happen.

Christiiiiine: I’ll keep it in mind  
Brookiecookie: Do  
Brookiecookie: Not that I’ll need to  
Brookiecookie: but I guess accidents happen  
Brookiecookie: I can set him straight though  
Christiiiiine: Won’t that be kinda hard? ;)  
Brookiecookie: ?  
Brookiecookie: wow, hilarious  
Brookiecookie: I will kill Chloe next time I see her  
Christiiiiine: She’s not the one who told me  
Christiiiiine: You did, remember?  
Brookiecookie: OH yeahhhh  
Brookiecookie: Either way you’ll get the role is what I’m trying to say  
Christiiiiine: Fingers crossed  
Christiiiiine: Also why did Chloe come into this?  
Brookiecookie: I have no clue  
Brookiecookie: Especially seeing as she’s not one to talk ;)  
Christiiiiine: No  
Christiiiiine: No way  
Brookiecookie: yep  
Brookiecookie: I’m shocked she hasn’t told the group yet  
Christiiiiine: I mean, we are discussing Chloe Valentine  
Brookiecookie: She’ll come around eventually   
Brookiecookie: In the meantime  
Brookiecookie: I heard that Reyes is going to keep the play somewhat sane this year  
Christiiiiine: So he says  
Christiiiiine: But I’m waiting till props come to say  
Brookiecookie: oh my god I completely forgot about that  
Brookiecookie: I’ll have to bring tissues for Jake (again)  
Christiiiiine: What?  
Brookiecookie: He’s a softie at heart, he WILL cry at any death scene  
Brookiecookie: Though I will admit we all cried during Romeo and Juliette  
Christiiiiine: You were there?  
Brookiecookie: yeah! Jake didn’t want to go alone  
Brookiecookie: Besides, I wanted to see you in it

Nope. It was completely unfair that she could just say things like that and get Christine's heart fluttering like that. Her cheeks, a dead giveaway normally, were bright red. Fabulous. Before she could dwell more on it, her phone chimed yet again with another message from Brooke.

Brookiecookie: Besides, you shouldn’t be so worried  
Brookiecookie: I’m the one who tried out for Hamlet   
Brookiecookie: Despite not even knowing the lines  
Christiiiiine: Wait, you tried out for Hamlet?  
Christiiiiine: Oooh just a sec, cast list is up!!!  
Brookiecookie: you got this

Sure enough, Christine had secured the role of Ophelia, and Brooke Hamlet. The email was rather brief, and she was excited to see Jeremy had also tried out and gotten Horatio. She scrolled down a bit more and saw a message, asking her about how she felt about a pool for the lake scene, with an attachment that she immediately forwarded to Brooke.

Christiiiiine: Congrats on getting the role!!!  
Brookiecookie: ahhh, you too!  
Brookiecookie: Chrissy  
Brookiecookie: what is that that you forwarded to me?  
Christiiiiine: Brookie show it some respect, it’s a scene of a suicide  
Brookiecookie: forget tissues I’m bringing a first aid kit  
Brookiecookie: I’d have to leave it with Chloe but still  
Brookiecookie: Is he insane?  
Brookiecookie: And do you have a death wish encouraging it?  
Christiiiiine: All I told him was that I could learn to work with it  
Christiiiiine: Besides it’ll be fine  
Brookiecookie: Please don’t actually die  
Christiiiiine: Yes ma’am  
Brookiecookie: I guess you really have to learn to hold your breath  
Brookiecookie: How long is the scene, and how long would you have to stay underwater?  
Christiiiiine: About 12 minutes total in the scene  
Christiiiiine: And I’d have to be underwater for about… 6 minutes of it  
Brookiecookie: Nope  
Brookiecookie: You really do have a death wish huh  
Christiiiiine: How hard can it be?  
Christiiiiine: Application and devotion  
Brookiecookie: I’m getting you a therapist because you sound insane right now  
Christiiiiine: Insane or devoted?  
Brookiecookie: Insane but it's okay, love you anyways <3

She seriously couldn’t with this girl. Sure Chloe was insanely hot, but Christine never really understood how people managed to overlook Brooke. Something about Brooke's very presence seemed to turn Christine's insides into mush, something Michael and Chloe had been quick to notice. Between Chloe’s constant knowing glances and Michael’s suggestions she was surprised she hadn’t broken down and confessed to Brooke by now. There was something about her when you finally noticed her that made you wonder how exactly you had missed her before. How you had possibly missed the way she twisted her blonde locks with her perfectly manicured finger as she listened, tucking a strand behind her ear as she listened intently. The way she’d reach up when she was nervous, toying with her double piercings and if she was wearing a crop top, exposing a flash of silver, glinting in the light before it was hidden again. She made a mental note to ask Brooke about that next time she saw her. Most of all though, was the way she could so devoutly listen to your troubles, and then if given the chance talk so animatedly about her interests that it was infectious. Sometimes Christine liked to gauge Brooke's moods based on her expressions, which was always a wild ride. Brooke's vivid green eyes could be crinkled with happiness, yet her petal pink, full, perfect lips could be set in a perfectly neutral line. Sometimes her eyes danced with light as she bit her lower lip subconsciously trying not to portray how she felt, yet failing every time. On the days where her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes and she disconnected to a place Christine couldn’t reach, she just tried to be there. Not doing anything but being there, and letting her know she was seen. Christine honestly felt as though she could discuss anything with her, without fear of sounding stupid or just plain ridiculus. She was content just to be friends with her and just couldn’t bring herself to change their friendship, not yet. But that still didn’t stop her from responding before setting her phone aside, her heart bursting with excitement and the biggest smile on her face, not necessarily just from the casting choice.

Christiiiiine: ha, maybe  
Christiiiiine: Love you too Brooke, good night and congrats again!  
Brookiecookie: <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey people I’m back!!! I’ll be updating more of my fics tomorrow, in the meantime take a cliffhanger!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned I cannot do fluff? Like I think I’m incapable of it... but it’ll be angst and comfort so that’s fun. Also yes I headcannon Brooke as the type to have a belly ring and idk why but enjoy some of that too!
> 
> Wanna yell at me for leaving you on a cliffhanger, want answers, enjoy the story so far? Let me know in the comments!

The next morning, Christine suffered through class as the day dragged. Lunch was the only good thing about the day so far, but everything seemed to pale in comparison to play rehearsal. She didn’t get how she was expected to suffer through memorizing formulas for Trigonometry which was torture. At least her English teacher appreciated theater, even if she was forcing them through another analysis of The Great Gatsby. Still, nothing could compare to the rush she felt as the final bell rang, and she dashed through the halls, throwing open the wide double doors to reveal… an empty auditorium. 

Not even the sight of the abandoned stage could put a taper on her mood though, which rose considerably as she looked around and hopped onto it. She was just wandering across the stage when the doors swung open again, revealing Brooke and Chloe. Chloe was telling Brooke about something Madeline had done, and Brooke was just listening, before she glanced over at Christine and waved brightly. Noting this, Chloe waved as well before leaning in to whisper something to Brooke then walking out. “Hey Chrissy!” Brooke called excitedly, running over to the stage and jumping onto it in one shot before taking a seat at the edge of the stage. At Christine’s surprised glance, she simply shrugged sheepishly. “I spent half my childhood in dance class in exchange for going to the food truck across the street after lessons, I guess something stuck with me.” Christine was about to comment on this when something else caught her attention. “Wait, you have a belly ring Brooke?” Brooke startled before she glanced down at her exposed midriff, where that flash of silver now had a physical form. She smiled as she said, “Yeah, me and Chlo got them together. Hers is a bit flashier, but I just wanted something a bit… simple.” She shifted slightly, dangling her legs over the edge, and glancing back at Christine, who was probably staring a bit more than she’d like to admit. “It’s really pretty,” Christine offered, genuinely not sure what to say. Luckily the doors swung open again then, revealing Jeremy. 

The rest of the cast showed up soon after while Brooke, Jeremy and Christine sat and exchanged stories. It felt so good to be back on the stage, doing what she did best. She tried to let it all melt away, until there was no more Christine Canigula. She could lose herself in it just like she always did. That is, she would have. She registered that Mr. Reyes mentioned something about props, and her mind automatically wandered to the fall play. Suddenly, losing herself didn’t seem so appealing. She was afraid to give up that control, as though by taking on another persona she would lose herself completely until there was nothing left of her. She knew it was illogical, that it was fine. But she still couldn’t stop her mind from wandering and recalling. She liked Jeremy sure, but it hadn’t stopped her from nearly crying with relief when Jeremy noted that it WASN’T HER. That was, if the SQUIP would have even let her cry. She wasn’t prepared to say she loved him, not yet. She was still there behind the SQUIPs vener, though for how long she had no clue. It had taken a long time after that she’d willingly picked up a script and practiced with just a little hesitance. She’d decided after that to never willingly give up control of herself, and it took a minute to remind herself that losing herself in a character wasn’t the same thing. But being back there on the stage, she couldn’t do it. Two steps away Jeremy had introduced to her the SQUIP. A little further down she’d actually taken it, and felt everything leave her. He’d been right about it constantly feeling like play rehearsal in a way. No worrying about what to say, wear or do. For a few moments she felt like she could work with this. It couldn’t be all that bad. But then it began to get to work, forcing out words she’d never have said on her own. Pushing her in a direction she would have never gone otherwise. Offering her up to Jeremy as though it was what she wanted, even though she was resisting it with every inch of her being. She could feel herself slipping away further and further, and for the first time she felt like she wouldn’t be able to find her way back. Beginning with the sense no matter what, she wouldn’t be allowed to say no. Whatever he wanted he could have her, or a shell of what would be left. She would be his to do whatever he wanted with, and she wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. Lips meeting lips or bodies meeting bodies, it was all up to his discretion. She’d also sworn never to let someone make a decision for her again. It hadn’t gone there at all, but she wouldn’t be able to forget the possibilities, and how helpless it had made her feel. As a favor to him she refused to ever mention to Jeremy exactly what had flashed through her mind, especially as she now knew he wouldn’t have gone there. It was a silent battle within herself. 

So no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t respond to Brooke’s concerned question, or Jeremy’s asking her if she was okay. She couldn’t bring herself to choke out the last lines on the paper before her monologue was over. All she could do was set down her script and walk out, trying to breathe and remind herself it was her own body sending her on autopilot, that she had made the decision to walk out. But even her footsteps weren’t able to drown out the echoes of “Christine Canigula, welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor. Your SQUIP.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for leaving you all on a cliffhanger for so long! ( or am I? :0) I've been seriously unmotivated for much beyond something like my chatfic and oneshots, and this fic I've begun to get seriously invested in. I wanted to be able to do it justice, so heere it is! A bit (very) late, but I hope you enjoy!

“Not real” she murmured to herself. 

It was something she’d taken to doing ever since the SQUIP was deactivated and Jeremy had proposed the idea. When those flashbacks came, it was meant to serve as a steady reminder. A solid verifiable fact. Can you prove that everything about you isn’t actually terrible and needs to be improved upon? Well, debatable. But you could easily prove to yourself that the SQUIP wasn’t actually active again. It was grounding enough that it could snap you out of it long enough to gather yourself. 

After that, it was up to you. But this situation wasn't Christine’s plan. Not that it wasn’t more than okay by her, once she got over the initial panic.

“Yep, not real.” Brooke affimed. “You’re fine, everyone is fine. We aren’t about to enter the modern zombie apocalypse. We may go into the auditorium and kick Jeremy in the behind though.” Laughing, Christine shifted slightly so that she could better see Brooke. “Have you heard it too?” Brooke hummed in acknowledgement, and Christine waited. “Yeah, I have.” Christine honestly wasn’t surprised. She noticed how Brooke tended to flinch when Chloe spoke at random times, almost as though she wasn't quite sure it was Chloe she was hearing, and she had her theories about who Brooke's squip may have been.

“Who was your SQUIP?” Brooke asked hesitantly.

Christine recognized what she was doing, but she appreciated it all the same. Part of healing was talking, and when it came to SQUIP’s it helped to do little q and a’s that were based on facts.

“Ruth Bader Ginsburg” she confessed. “You?” 

Brooke bit her lip, clearly considering her answer. Christine almost backtracked and told her to forget about it when Brooke finally responded.

“Chloe.”

Oh. Christine reached out to take Brooke’s hand, before eventually going in for a hug. There was a strangely familiar pressure to their two bodies meeting and their bodies connected perfectly, as though it was something they commonly did. It made sense now, the way she would subtly pinch herself under the table at certain moments when Chloe was talking. The way she’d shrink back into herself when Chloe got upset, even if it wasn’t directed at her. 

She wondered if Brooke ever spent nights tracing the subtle marks that popped up everywhere, burned there permanently. There was something terrifying and calming about the circuit board pattern that almost reminded her of the SQUIP for more than the obvious reasons. Like the fact that it could be reassuring and calming, and then send shocks seconds later, reminding her of exactly how quickly that nature could turn harmful. It was an impulse and helped at first before you realize it hurt far more. They may be phantom pains, but that didn’t make them any less real to her. Nor for Brooke either, judging by the fact that she looked like she was physically resisting the urge to straighten up. Christine just kept holding her hand, reminding her that she was there. 

They stayed like that for a while not really saying anything. She honestly wasn't quite sure what to say, seeing as being in this close proximity to Brooke was getting her heart beating out of her chest.

"Jeremy got the SQUIP to get with you, right?"

Christine couldn't help cringing. She'd had some variation of this conversation at least ten times already. Each one had ended with the same general message- how it wasn't her fault and she shouldn't beat herself up over it. The truth was- she didn't. She hadn't been the one to tell him to get the SQUIP to get with her. Sure it had been awkward at first when she was still forcing herself to get to know him under the guise of a romance out of guilt. But she'd never really blamed herself, although if she had to have yet another conversation like that she knew she'd be doing some serious considering.

"Yes," she replied cautiously. 

"I'm sorry."

That, honestly floored Christine. She'd been prepared for the usual speech, and these simple two words couldn't seem farther from that.

"I- I've forced myself to stay in relationships out of guilt before, so I get it. Half of them lasted as long as they did because I kept making excuses for the cheating. They were drunk, had toxic role models, etc. I felt like I owed them something, so I'd stick around. I'm assuming that's how it felt with Jeremy?"

Christine just nodded, meeting Brookes eyes and taking note of her lightly flushed cheeks. It was clear she hadn't had this conversation with many people, and she felt like she'd said something wrong.

"Yeah, it did. How could you tell though?"

Brooke smiled gently, almost like she was supressing a laugh when she responded.

"Well, you just looked like you were forcing it. Anyone could tell you were just trying to be friends-" she held up her hands when Christine opened her mouth ready to respond, clearly not done. "-and that's perfectly okay. But I can see why you felt like you'd need to stay. You also clearly realized you didn't, which is great but still. If you ever need to talk about anything though, I'm here for you. Something tells me the SQUIP caused more issues than just relationship issues."

Maybe it was the way Brooke was, or the many years of being to the side left to observe. But somehow she'd managed to pick up on something literally nobody else had seen or bothered to mention. 

Christine may not have been ready to share quite yet, but she could tell Brooke was willing to wait. That meant more to her than anything else, and someday she'd take her up on that offer. Christine could already feel herself falling even harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay SO I know that Chloe's squip is herself, and Brooke's wasn't. But I'm taking some artistic libreties with this because I always saw Brooke's squip being Chloe. I adore Pinkberry, but it's largely obvious that Chloe has had a huge impact on Brooke. The person she'd be most likely to comply with? Easy- Chloe.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christine has a not so subtle convo with someone close to Brooke and Chloe just knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *casually ignores self set hiatus to post this chapter*
> 
> Hey all! So I'm sorry this chapter is so short BUT i was inspired and honestly could use a little fluff before the next chapter coming up

If Christine was going to make a list of top ten things she’d really have rather not walked in on, this would probably hit the top. Sure they’d broken up ages ago, but a girl can only handle seeing so much. 

“Jake, don’t you have a football team to be leading?”

He broke away from Chloe, not even bothering to turn around to see who was talking.

“Not anymore! Although I do have chess…” 

Muttering to himself, he went to reach for his crutches as Chloe slipped her shirt back on. It was probably a testament to how she felt about Brooke that she was able to walk in on Chloe damn Valentine in a bra without even batting an eye. Chloe raised an eyebrow when she noticed Christine standing there, before smirking slightly

“Babe? I scheduled a meet for the team in a few but I may be late. Could you meet me at the field and let them know I’ll be a few?” There was a carefully placed tone to the request that left Christine feeling bad for Jake- though she could have easily told Chloe it wasn’t necessary. She could see the way he looked at her and vise versa. 

Jake nodded, though Christine had a feeling it had more to do with whatever Chloe had whispered in his ear then the actual request itself. She was confused- Chloe took being leader of the cheer team about as seriously as she took… well everything really that involved her friends or reputation. If she was delaying a meet, she had a feeling it was something serious. So she stepped aside, confused when she noticed Chloe’s determined gaze fixing on her.

“Okay you gay disaster, what happened with gay disaster #2?”

Christine blinked, but Chloe hadn’t shifted from the cross legged position she’d taken on sitting on a crate. It was clear she was waiting for something, and Christine figured she may as well get it over with

“Um-”

“Christine, you spent all day yesterday texting me and Michael about the fact that Brooke had a conversation with you so please, we know. Except Brooke probably- but we can work on that. Point is that you seeked out Jake during the time between my cheer practice and his chess meet, knowing full well what you were about to walk in on- so something must have happened with Brooke. What is it- and yes I know she smiled at you on the way to class this morning we all saw it.”

She shrugged in response to Christine's incredulous gaze, just grabbing a bag off the floor and pulling out a pair of leggings and simple cotton crop top with sneakers that looked much more comfortable than the stilettos she’d replaced into her bag.

“No- it’s a bit more… sentimental than that…”

She proceeded to explain what had happened in the auditorium, and Brooke’s talk with her (carefully leaving out the whole squip form situation), only stopping to allow Chloe to absentmindedly throw a shoe in the general direction of… well, Christine wasn’t sure. Though she made a mental note to tell Jeremy to avoid Chloe if he passed her on the way out from rehearsal. She would probably end up throwing whatever she had in her hands, which sounded painful to Christine. Pom poms didn’t seem like a lethal weapon but Chloe had perfect aim and had managed to make a slice of pizza look dangerous when she’d launched it at Rich one day during lunch.

“You… are a mess”

“Pardon?”

Chloe scoffed slightly, looking her over with an almost pitying look.

“You’ve clearly got it bad, and honestly? It’s time you do something about it.”

Christine nodded, despite having no plans to do so literally anytime in the near future.

“How can you tell though?’ she hedged. Chloe was remarkably clever and had picked up on it in two seconds but she was holding out hope it wasn’t as obvious to literally everyone else.

“You interrupted yourself at least ten times to describe to me in almost perfect detail how Brooke looked, even though I’m her best friend and am perfectly aware of ‘the way her eyes sorta lock into yours when she’s speaking and they’re just so green and easy to get lost in.’ Though I never noticed the way her lips-”

“Okayyyyy I get it”

Cue a skeptical look from Chloe

“Really!”

She did, it was just that she was fairly certain she didn’t have a shot with Brooke. The girl literally volunteered at an animal shelter on the weekends and tutored freshmen three days a week in addition to making each rehearsal. She was a literal saint and Christine- well. Brooke would be running in the opposite direction she met Christine's family. Actually, knowing Brooke, she’d end up having a literal manual for how to perfectly win over a dysfunctional family like hers. It was enough to make her seem untouchable, perfect although not in the way of Chloe’s intimidatingly cold perfect untouchability. Brooke was sunshine personified, with a golden personality that could make anyone want to be her friend. That part was easy enough for Christine- but delving into how she felt about Brooke and acting upon it? Well…

“You did not just tell me that you can get up and play lead after lead on a stage in front of the entire school yet you can’t tell Brooke how you feel?”

“Says the person who literally cannot act for the life of her”

A few months ago she would have hesitated, but she knew Chloe. Which was why she was here in a supply closet, venting about her deepest feelings to the queen bee of the school who she’d just interrupted mid makeout session with her boyfriend before criticizing her acting skills. Anyone else (Madeline) would have been dead like… eighty words ago, so she guessed she was doing something right.

Chloe just shrugged, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow. “Maybe not, but which one of us is more successful in the romance department?

“Really less impressive considering you and Jake have been friends since you were like 7…”

Chloe didn’t respond, smiling down at her phone. “Huh? Sorry, Jake texted.”

Christine just sighed, sensing the conversation was over. At any rate, she was sure if she stayed she’d end up using most of Chloe’s patience and she didn’t want to be responsible for cheerleader muder should one of them mess up while Chloe was watching.

“Well, thanks Chlo. Let me know if you see Brooke?


	5. A.N.

Hey everyone! Tomorrow I am officially coming out of hiatus and this will be the first fic that I'm updating!

Just a few things that I wanted to say...

Thank you so much to all my regular readers! Your comments have kept me motivated and going, and it really touches me that I've managed to make something that you guys enjoy so much. I hope that I can do you all proud with what's to come <3

You'll probably notice that the tags have updated. I honestly hadn't expected it to take that sort of turn, but now that I've began writing it I honestly don't know. All chapters including triggers will be marked accordingly at the beginning of the chapter- so be sure to read the notes. I don't intend it to be graphic- but it will definitely be described. I'll try to limit how much it pops up for any readers who may want to keep reading the story but find those moments trigering. Please let me know down in the comments if you're a regular reader and find it triggering because it will help me know how many of those moments to include.

Tomorrows chapter is going to bring something very unexpected...

I'm trying my hand at Brooke's POV! I hope that I manage to do it justice and that it doesn't give away anything too major...

I have a general direction/ end for the fic but no idea how soon it'll get there. I want to spend as much time as possible developing Christine and Brooke's relationship (whichever way that may go ;D ) but I figured that it would be nice to develop the girls personalities with how they are away from each other. Any theories on where it may go? Please- let me know down in the comments!

Also I just figured out how to do italics and bold print on this I am unstoppable now...

Anyway- thank you all for your support and I hope you enjoy what's next!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know I said I would update tomorrow... but I couldn’t help myself
> 
> This is going to be in Brooke’s perspective, and yes it’ll get angsty. I just hope that I’m able to do her character justice. 
> 
> T.W.  
> Self harm  
> Body image bashing  
> Purging

“Hey Lohst!”

Brooke sighed, barely even sparing a glance behind her. Typically she’d have gone back to go deal with it but today she honestly had more important things on her mind. Besides, she could see Chloe in the corner of her eye and she honestly would have felt bad for the guy had it not been the tenth time he’d done it. At least this one wasn’t accompanied by a very pointed conversation about her, how had he put it, assets.

She made it to the bathroom, setting down her backpack before catching her reflection in the mirror. Her makeup hadn’t smudged, but she did notice that her eyes seemed pretty bloodshot. Seasonal allergies could suck. A couple drops of Visine had solved that much, but it wasn’t really the issue at the moment. She scanned the room, relieved when it was empty. The process was hard enough without having to stall to let everyone pass.

She rummaged through her bag until she found what she wanted, pausing just short of making the cut.

“ _You didn’t skip lunch today_ ” a tiny voice observed.

This again. She tried for what she hoped was a nonchalant shrug, mentally facepalming herself. She knew she should have expected this, but for the first time in a while she’d felt hungry- and it hadn’t escaped her notice the surprised looks everyone had shot her when she sat down with a lunch tray. It made her feel oddly defensive, so she found herself almost forcing herself to shovel down food as though she was trying to prove something. Which she guessed she was.

“ _That can wait until later, you know the drill._ ”

Brooke huffed slightly, still not setting down the cold, metallic object her fingers were slowly beginning to find familiar. She knew she had to eat and that it was a good sign that her appetite was returning- it felt wrong to force it all back up now. 

A sharp shock shot through her, insistent. “ _You don’t have that much time till it goes to your stomach- you don’t need that. We’ve made so much progress, and we can’t let that stop now_ "

Progress. Well- that was one way to put it.

“ _Come on Brookie_ ”

“Don’t call me that”

“ _Why? Does it- remind you of something?_ ”

She didn’t dignify that with a response. That… thing knew full well what that nickname meant, and hearing it repeated in a sickly sweet tone that reminded her for all the world of Chloe didn’t help matters. She grabbed a hair tie out of her bag, pulling back her hair and walking over to a stall. She’d become pretty familiar with it.

“ _I got this- you’ll need all the help you can get_ ”

She suppressed a groan. It was bad enough when she had to force herself to do it, but there was the pain of doing it mixed with the fear of another factor influencing it and causing it when this happened. She felt her stomach begin to turn and braced herself, leaning over the toilet as everything that she’d eaten and then some made it’s reappearance.

“ _This may take a bit longer than usual considering we’ve got more to get rid of then usual_ ”

Brooke could already tell the difference. She couldn’t exactly say how much she was vomiting up, but as the time went on and she began to notice streaks of blood mixed in with a liquid that was acidic and burned as it came up, she figured it was far more than what her body should be forcing, and more than she had ever done before.

“Okay- enough” she thought to herself

A hum of consideration, followed by a sigh. “ _Very well_ ”

It eyed her book bag warily, noting the razor. If it had a problem with what she was doing it never said anything- but she noticed that it would deactivate every time she began to do this.

She went over to it, grabbing it and positioning it above her wrist before making the cut. The first time she’d done it the blood had terrified her, but now? She couldn’t bring herself to feel much as it turned the previously porcelain white sink crimson. She stood there for a moment, watching herself in the mirror for any sort of reaction. But in her eyes, she looked the same as ever. Same green eyes, which still looked slightly red but all in all pretty normal. Same blonde hair, which she reminded herself to let down once she was done. Same lips, which she practiced curving into a small smile.

Progress indeed. 

“ _I don’t know why you do that_ ”

Brooke startled for a moment before pulling out her favorite hoodie then slipping it on. It was well worn, a deep blue with University Of Michigan scrawled across it in gold lettering. Comfortable- and it served its purpose. She went to grab her backpack, dutifully ignoring the question. 

Another shock, this one more so to grab her attention. “ _Well?_ ”

“Thanks to you,” she muttered. It wasn’t a total lie- the first time she’d done it it had felt… centering. For a moment, it had seemed to make those voices go away. It had made her feel a little less insane anyway. In the end it always came back again, but still.

“ _Don’t forget that you’re due home soon._ ”

She shook her head, grabbing her bag and swinging it over her shoulder

“No- I’m going to go see Christine.” She shot it a glare over her shoulder “And you can deactivate- now”

When she got no response, she sighed with relief. Glancing into the mirror one last time, she took inventory. Her makeup was fine, the light eyeliner still in place and lipstick somehow not smudged though she’d expected it to be. She took out the hair tie, letting her hair fall loose around her shoulders. She cracked a smile, but to her it just seemed cold and hollow. She contemplated taking a picture to document it, but decided against it. She could see that smile any time she looked at herself lately, it wasn’t anything impressive. It was typical of what you’d expect from a girl as popular as Brooke- mirrors and pictures.

If anyone knew that she was looking for something less than superficial within that reflection, or that she was serendipitously checking how tight the bandages were under the hoodie sleeves, they didn’t say anything.

Nobody ever did.


	7. Another A.N.

Haha I'm back...

And I have newssssss

good news, bad news... depends on how you look at it

I actually have a plan for this fic! Messy, not very well thought through... but a plan all the same!

I've got a few ideas running around in my brain, so I figured I should take a moment to reach out to all my regular readers in this chapter, and everyone else who may discover it now

Thank you first and foremost for your kudos and comments, it inspires me and keeps me going. This fic has gotten an outpour of love and support and I hope I can continue to make you all proud

Second- like I said I have a few ideas. This fic is for you guys- and I want to make sure everyone is able to enjoy it till the end. If there are any plot points my regular readers may find triggering **PLEASE** tell me in the comments below. I am more than willing to make some adjustments and since nothing is in store yet it is easy for me to shift around some things.

I'm considering getting a Tumblr account just for my fics so that readers can comment and leave messages there too- let me know what you all think about that!

Lots of love- and thank you all for reading!


	8. another a.n. i promise I'll have a chapter up in a few...

I DID IT!

I now have a Tumblr blog for you guys to come visit. Check it out if you want to chat, message me with any comments/ concerns OR submit your ideas! Whether it be prompts or ships my ask box is always open

https://icanmakewords.tumblr.com/

That's all for now :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!
> 
> Remember how I said I have an update schedule? Haha-
> 
> No really, I do. Mental health stuff went brrr because why wouldn't it, but the good news is I'm back! I had this chapter in my mind for a while so I"m really glad to be able to post it!
> 
> I'm thinking of doing another Brooke chapter because character development reasons, but I'm also tempted to leave you all in the dark for a bit about what's going on...
> 
> OH WELL- hope you enjoy :D

“Your homework is-”

Ten minutes. It had literally taken ten minutes for her teacher to actually tell them the assignment, though Christine didn’t mind. If she was being honest she’d stopped paying somewhere along the fourth minute, and she’d turned her attention to whatever Brooke was sketching in her notebook. 

She felt her phone buzz, and she checked it subtly under the table

MichaelWithAB: you’re staring again

ValentinesDay: he’s not wrong, you are

Great. 

Sometimes while crushing, your friends knowing can be a great help. Especially when one of them is close with the person you're crushing on and has offered on numerous occasions to help be a wingwoman.

-or they could decide to create a group chat dedicated to pointing out every single time you’re staring at said crush with no actually helpful hints on how to make it less obvious. Not her fault that Brooke was in most of her classes and was quite honestly more entertaining then class.

Brooke stretched slightly, turning around and shooting her a wink, smiling as she pushed her hair back. She’d left it down and long today, tumbling across her shoulders in a way that framed her face, which never failed left Christine breathless. As she brushed it aside, Christine noticed that her cardigan had slipped, revealing something Christine couldn't quite make out on her right shoulder.

ValentinesDay: i mean she’s pretty but jeez Christine get it together

MichaelWithAB: eh

ValentinesDay: your type is Dustin so don’t even try it

MichaelWithAB: yeah- he’s hot

ValentinesDay: ew

MichaelWithAB: yeah because you have such great taste

ValentinesDay: shut up Jake is hot and a sweetheart

MichaelWithAB: wasn’t referring to Jake

ValentinesDay: spit it out Mell- what are you talking about

MichaelWithAB: Madeline…

ValentinesDay: First of all no, absolutely not

ValentinesDay: and I’m not-

ValentinesDay: pay attention

Christine smirked, thinking about what Brooke had told her. She’d had a feeling- but Chloe being Chloe wasn’t going to admit it unless…

TheRealAngelOfMusic: Oooh Madeline?

ValentinesDay: what the hell? no

TheRealAngelOfMusic: :(

MichaelWithAB: we know you aren’t straight Chlo

MichaelWithAB: that’s obvious

ValentinesDay: says who?

TheRealAngelOfMusic: oooooh my god guys guys guys gays

ValentinesDay: denied but okay

ValentinesDay: what?

TheRealAngelOfMusic: she’s so pretty…

ValentinesDay: not again please-

TheRealAngelOfMusic: Chlo she just waved at me do I wave back orrrr?

ValentinesDay: breathe- you look like you’re about to have an aneurysm

MichaelWithAB: you know how to spell that?

ValentinesDay: this is Chlophobia how dare you

MichaelWithAB: just tell usssss

TheRealAngelOfMusic: tell us what? :D

ValentinesDay: I’m bi

Valentine: and definitely not into Madeline- i have standards you know

ValentinesDay: happy?

MichaelWithAB: *insert shocked pikachu face* 

MichaelWithAB: I’m proud of you for saying it ♡

MichaelWithAB: and your long list of ex’s would beg to differ with the idea you have standards

ValentinesDay: i was about to say thank you but you know what? Don’t talk to me- ever again?/j

TheRealAngelOfMusic: *celebration gif*

Noticing people beginning to pack up around her, she powered down her phone before replacing it into her bag. She was happy for Chloe, but as she watched her walk over to Brooke, Brooke’s entire demeanor seemed to light up as she laughed at something she couldn’t help a feeling rising inside her. The look on Brooke’s face was truly happy, and while it was making Christine's heart skip a bit with the pure brightness of her smile, she felt her stomach beginning to fill with a feeling she couldn’t quite identify. Strange and new- but there all the same. 

“Christine?”

She looked around at the sound of her name, smiling slightly when she saw Brooke. It was like an automatic reflex at this point, and she couldn’t help it any more then the blush she knew for a fact was rising on her cheeks. 

“Uh- hi!”

She waited expectantly for Brooke to say something else, but nothing came. There was a few moments of awkward silence, neither of them saying anything.

Christine tensed up slightly, desperate to be- moving. Doing… something. As far as she could tell she’d been standing there in the same position for ages, even if the clock said it had only been a minute, inching on two.

Brooke opened her mouth to say something, and Christine perked up in interest before she caught sight of the weird mix of frustration and annoyance on Brooke’s face. Her cheeks were puffed with the effort of trying to do… something, and even as her eyes spilled over with angry tears before turning away all Christine could think was “oh no- she’s even cute when she’s upset-”, because clearly there’s no justice in the world.

As Brooke turned and walked away, her hair swinging over her shoulder, Christine could swear she heard a muttered “what the hell was that about?’

What the hell indeed.

She turned to Chloe, looking away almost immediately when she realized that she was otherwise engaged with Jake, who had somehow managed to get into the classroom…

Oh- right. Class was over now. Probably had been for a good while now.

She walked out and headed to class, her mind on that mark she'd seen earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christine? Jealous?
> 
> Never-
> 
> Also what exactly that mark was will get clarified! But I want to hear your theories...
> 
> Feel free to send in your theories in the comments below, or at my tumblr https://icanmakewords.tumblr.com/


End file.
